Generic Meds

Today is my second day on Wellbutrin. I'm still depressed, lonely, defeated, isolated and shut down. So it's obviously not working.

Upon closer inspection of the pill bottle, it seems that I am NOT taking Wellbutrin. Rather, I'm taking something called Bupropion, which must be a generic version of the medicine I had asked for, which must be why it's not working. Upon even closer inspection of the pill bottle, I find that I'm not supposed to drink while taking this medication (good luck with that), and that it may cause dizziness so I shouldn't operate any heavy machinery. In my mind that translates to: Do NOT go to the gym and try to pick up a weight. Right? Also, after three days of taking ONE pill a day, I switch to TWO pills a day; one in the morning, the other in the evening. I think they do that to give depressives something to look forward to.

My instinct at the moment, which is deeply ingrained in my personality, is to run and hide. It's totally reactive. It's to NOT write on the blog. The easy excuse is to say, I don't want to write about myself or revisit past memories or focus on me. The true reason is because I think if I stop writing all of you phantom readers out there will write me and say: Where are you? We need more blog! Come back to us JV!

The need to be wanted.

But don't do that! No, faithful phantom readers, this is a part of my self-imposed therapy. To write even in the face of defeat. I will do my best not to copy and paste old stories here out of laziness. I won't post sequential scenes from the play I'm writing as a way to avoid myself. I will not hide and beg for attention through silence. I will right about the goddamn depression whilst in the midst of it. Take that.

I said the instinct was to hide and seek attention through absence. It was an old trick I played in high school and probably even earlier than that. When I wanted to feel needed or wanted, I would lock myself in bed room and read or sing or play games and wait for the phone to ring. On free periods in high school I would walk the lonely halls by myself, humming Indigo Girl songs in my head and waiting, praying for a friend to come running up behind me and take my loneliness and isolation away from me. But they couldn't, could they? It's mine. And perhaps it's always going to be present in some way, in some sense. It's when it gets this deep that it gets...most difficult. It's overwhelming.

Last night I got home to an email from the job I was waiting to hear from saying thank you and that they felt it best to look inside the company for someone to take over the position. Again I was disappointed. Again I was faced with rejection. And although I've always told people in this business that you can't be stymied by rejection, how do you deal with it on an almost daily basis? And then I go to thinking about the position and how RIGHT I'd be for it and silly they are not to give me a chance to meet with them and talk more about it and I realized that, again, it comes down to change. They are afraid of change. By keeping it inside, they don't risk anything. It's safe and known. But they also stay static. They won't, perhaps, move backwards but will they move forward? Although they handled it better than the situation with TVI Studios, it's the same thing. By bringing a strong, smart, unknown presence into the mix the balance of power is upset. So be it. And I have to tell myself that if it didn't happen then it wasn't the place for me. But, neither is this. This...stuckness is overwhelming. And everyone keeps telling me something is going to happen soon, they can feel it. I don't believe it. I HOPE for it, but I don't believe it.

Even my dog is afraid of change. When I dropped him off at my dear neighbor's house this morning because she is going to watch him this weekend when I escape, he freaked out. He started crying and squirming in her arms. He tried to run out the door when I opened it. He only wants his home, with or without me. He's only comfortable there. It's where he feels safe; it's his den. And perhaps that's partly my fault because I've made it my den as well; running home directly after work to the safety of what's known and familiar instead of seeing friends, going to the movies or theatre, etc...Instead of going to the gym in the morning I sit on the couch and watch the Today Show and VH1 as the hours tick by, because I'm up at 6am so I'm only seeing the same news over and over again, until it's finally time to get in the shower and get ready. Get ready to come here and sit.

So, where is the place for generic meds in my life when the causes of my depression are so damn specific?