Dream. Hope. Rock: Part 3

It was early afternoon on April 29, 2000. I was in the lobby of the hotel waiting for TV Actor to come down. The plan was to head to RFK Stadium for sound check and then just hang out there for the concert. As I waited in the large, cold marble lobby and interesting group of people began to assemble. First a three or four person camera crew, followed by a blonde woman who I knew to be Anne Heche. Shortly thereafter she was joined by Ellen Degeneres. I hung back and stood in awe. A few seconds later, Melissa Etheridge and Julie Cypher exited the elevators. Melissa in tight tight black leather pants and silky, flimsy rocker shirt. Julie in a summer dress, looking tan and pretty. A tall blonde woman was talking to them and when she turned toward me I realized it was Laura Dern.

I was getting more celebrity sightings in five seconds in the lobby of a DC hotel than I'd ever had in New York. Ok, that's not true. But these were real, big-time celebrities. Not just theatre people.

The elevators dinged and I looked up expectantly. The TV Actor came out and screamed. She hugged Ellen and Anne, Melissa and Julie and then Laura -- who was on her cell phone and proceeded to walk outside to continue the conversation. Then the TV Actor saw me and waved me over. One by one she introduced me and I could only say 'hi' and stand there, transfixed with my mouth agape. I'm not usually star struck but I was beyond at this point. Ellen's coming out had touched so many men and women of...well, I was going to say MY generation but really wasn't it every generation? It wasn't only gay people who crowded around their television screens to watch the coming out episode three years ago. My parents watched. My grandparents watched. My brother even watched. Ellen had made a huge impact on how America sees and accepts gays.

And Melissa Etheridge's music was playing on my car radio the afternoon I came out to mother.

All I could do was shake hands and smile. We piled into a white van, film crew and all. TV Actor explained to me that Julie Cypher was directing a documentary about Ellen, Anne and their life together. Do you know who the head cameraman was? Coley Laffoon, the man Anne would leave Ellen for only a short time later. Melissa Etheridge was to be the Emcee of the concert tonight: Equality Rocks sponsored by the Human Rights Campaign to promote the equality and safety of all people. The tag line was "Dream. Hope. Rock." The line-up of performers included Etheridge, George Michael, Garth Brooks and the Pet Shop Boys. The next morning all the same people would lead the Millenium March for Equality.

My head was spinning. Etheridge was asking the van for trivia question suggestions about her. People who answered correctly would be able to come back stage and meet her. A handsome, long-haired blonde man who must have been her assistant was making a list and throwing out ideas. He turned to me and I couldn't pay attention to him because I was fascinated by the sight of Etheridge's long blonde hair bouncing up and down in the seat in front of me. The TV Actor took my hand and I turned to her and mouthed "Oh My God." She threw back her head, laughed and looked out the window. The van pulled into RFK Stadium and I saw the flashing lights of the billboard announcing tonight's concert. I had in no way been prepared for the magnitude of this event unfolding before me.

The van pulled in. We were given our all-access passes which immediately went around our necks. Laura Dern immediately got on her cell phone and disappeared on to the stadium floor. The TV Actor and I wandered out aimlessly to watch the other performers finishing their sound check. A Canadian singer with a funny name who I'd never heard of was finishing his set. "That's Rufus Wainwright," the TV Actor said. His nasal tenor reverberated through the empty stadium and I couldn't tell if I loved or despised his voice. He walked off as Etheridge walked on with her band and she gave him a warm hug. I sat down to watch Etheridge in action but she didn't perform. She strummed a little, talked a little, and wandered around the stage checking out the venue. Laura Dern appeared again from seemingly nowhere and exited in a hurry to the backstage area. The TV Actor turned to me, "Billy Bob and Angelina are getting married. She's a mess." Well, that explained that.

"I have to find the bathroom," TV Actor said and disappeared backstage.

I got up to follow but didn't want to be a pain in her ass. I walked around the stadium floor. Soon, 45,000 people would fill this place all in support of one cause. I felt out of my element and completely alone. As cool as this was, these weren't my people. There was no one to truly share this moment with. It meant something, but what? I felt a darkness fall over me and I tried to fight it but I knew it would ebb and flow for the rest of the weekend on its own accord. I was in limbo with Present Ex, who would kill to be with my at this moment if he knew what was going on. I was now in limbo with casting and grad school. I was going to have to move to New Jersey for three years. Everything was unsettled and here I was surrounded by TV, movie and rock stars. It didn't make any sense. I didn't want to be there.

I began to head backstage when I ran in to Julie Cypher. She was alone and standing watching Etheridge on the stage. I introduced myself again and we stood and talked for a shirt time. She was distant, cold and wanted little to do with me. I tried to ask questions about the documentary but she seemed unsure of its actual purpose or where it was going to be shown. I recognized that my presence with her was not required so I moved on.

Backstage was relatively quiet. As Etheridge was the headliner, they had held her sound check til the end. So it was quiet in the green room. Couches of all shapes, sizes and colors were littered everywhere, most in various states of disrepair. A home basketball free throw machine was tucked in a corner. Caterers were coming in to lay out the food for the artists and crew. I heard my name and the TV Actor was behind me. "Let's take a walk around," she said.

As the sun set we made our way through the back parking lot. "My shirt ripped and I want to see if I can fix it. Ellen's trailer is this way. Let's see if there's a sewing kit in there." The lot was a maze of trailers glowing orange and pink in the fading light. I didn't know where we were going but followed closely behind, smoking a Nat Sherman. Someone ahead called the TV Actor's name and we both looked up. Sitting in the doorway of a trailer right in front of us was k.d. Lang. "Hey, k.d.!" TV Actor shouted. "What's going on?"

k.d. smiled and leered at TV Actor whose ample bosom was beginning to spill out of her shirt. "I ripped a strap and I'm trying to fix it."

"I can help hold those up for you," k.d. said.

"A needle and thread would be more helpful, thanks."

"Honey, I don't know how to use either. But take a look around and see if there's anything in there that helps." TV Actor kissed k.d. on the cheek and made her way into the trailer. I said Hi and stood outside watching the setting sun. The two women laughed and chatted outside and finally TV Actor reappeared. "Nothing. Let's find Ellen's."

We waved goodbye and k.d., standing in the doorway yelled out, "If you can't find anything my offer still holds."

We turned a corner and found Ellen's trailer. TV Actor walked right in. "They went back to the hotel. The place is ours." We walked in and it looked like a love shack. An orange and yellow couch straight out of the 70s took up most of the room. A shag rug lay like a dejected beast on the floor. There were plates of half-eaten food on every surface. I sat uncomfortably on the edge of the couch while TV Actor dug through whatever she could find. "I'd settle for a goddamned safety pin!" She screamed. I laughed.

I wish I could help, I said with a sigh.

She went into the bathroom and screamed, "Voila!" She stood in the doorway, leaning on the frame, holding up her shirt in one hand and a safety pin in the other, a twinkle in her eye. "Got it. Ready?" She sat next to me on the sofa and i took the thin silk strap in my hand and tried to lightly bunch the fabric around her back in a tastefully simple way to attach the two pieces again. "Just don't pin me."

I'll try my best.

After a few attempts, I succeeded and she ran to the bathroom to view the results in the mirror. "I can get away with it if I wear my jacket over it," she said. "And at least the ladies won't be falling out all over the place." She lifted her boobs under the purple silk for effect.

I think they're safe.

"I'm going to fix my make-up and then we'll go."

As we opened the trailer door I was struck by a sound almost like the ocean. In the short time we had left the interior of the stadium, it had filled up. The excitement of the moment washed over both of us and we ran to the concert floor. Whereas earlier the stadium had been empty, the sunlight reflecting off the back of thousands of unoccupied chairs, the area was now dark and filled with people. The excitement of the crowd was palpable and contagious. It was almost overwhelming as I felt it rush over me from my head to my toes.

This is insane, I shouted. But TV Actor didn't hear me. She had already made her way out to the concert floor to watch the action on the stage. I flashed my badge to a security guard and ran to join her. Ellen was on-stage and the crowd would not stop cheering. It went on for what seemed like forever and it drew tears of joy from her eyes. "We shouldn't have to have a concert like this!" she yelled into the mic and the audience roared even louder.

And then followed a string of performers and speakers. As the night went on, I wandered back and forth between the stadium floor and the green room. I liked Rufus Wainwright and his sister enough. George Michael, in his purple satin suit and dark sunglasses, was amazing. The Pet Shop Boys played a long fun but redundant set. Chaka Khan was really fat.

I sat on one of the green room couches munching on a piece of fried chicken, watching an older man help a young child play basketball. A quiet, middle-aged woman with short straight redish hair sat next to me and smiled. The older man came and sat down next to the woman. He smiled and I said, Hi and put out my hand to introduce myself.

"I'm Dennis Shepard," he said. "This is my wife, Judy."

Oh. Wow.

I'm...I'm...so sorry for your loss. And I'm glad you're here. You two have been so important to this cause.

Dennis looked at the little boy still trying to play with the basketball machine and smiled wistfull. "It's very important to us. Matthew was very important to us. We just do everything we can to make the message clear. Like, see that little boy over there, I want him to grow up in a world without hate."

A runner came in and called Dennis to the stage. "It was nice meeting you."

Likewise.

I ran out to the stadium floor just as Melissa Etheridge was introducing Dennis. Judy stayed backstage. The crowd jumped to its feet again and cheered so loud the stadium shook. Once again, Dennis talked about the importance of this event and the necessity of equality in the world today, tomorrow and forever. When he was done speaking, Dennis waved to the crowd and walked off. Etheridge tore into her song about Matthew's death, "Scarecrow." You could hear a pin drop in the stadium while she performed. When she was done, there was a moment of silence. Many people, including myself, wiped tears from their eyes and then burst into a collective scream.

I was overwhelmed.