Uninvited

I worked in casting on and off for ten plus years. Plenty of stories there yet to come.

A few years ago I was sitting at my desk when a random IM popped up on my screen from an actor I met through a friend a few years earlier. I was semi-interested in dating at the time we met, but he wasn't and, for once in my life, I didn't push it. Now, two years later here he was.

I should have know immediately that trouble was on the horizon by his AIM screenname: all4actorsnamehere.

The actor and I IM'd for a few days before he finally invited me to the NY Philharmonic with him. I said, sure. He seemed smart, funny, charming and caustic on the internet and I assumed he would be in person as well. And on the first night, he was. He met for sushi. We were both dressed up for the event. It was fun. It was a fancy Upper West Sider thing for the Williamsburg boy to do. After the concert, we walked back to his place in Hell's Kitchen, talked a bit and had a furious make out session. We then embarked on a 6 month relationship and that was the last time we had any kind of physical contact.

Part of this came, I'm sure, from a confession I had made the following day. I had chronic Hepatitis B, and it was under control but a fairly contagious virus. I never knew how I acquired this lovely little burden but there it was. It took me a long time to deal with it. That's another story. But Actor was the first person I had dated in almost two years since the diagnosis and I needed to be up front with him. He seemed ok about it. Except for the whole not touching or kissing me thing.

Our relationship was rocky from the get-go. For example, my parents were in town for Thanksgiving and I invited him to dinner with us before the theatre. He showed up almost 45 minutes late. His perpetual lateness was something I couldn't abide. I thought it was rude and selfish and he thought it was just part of his "character." And, let me tell you, he was very much always presenting a "character" instead of himself. But I forgave him so many things because I felt I deserved someone like this because of my Hep B. I somehow deserved less. I lived in this state for a good three years.

So there was the lateness. The next sign of trouble came when I asked him to come to the first preview of a show I had worked really hard on; a new Andrew Lloyd Webber musical. I was really proud of my work. So he came, he was late of course. And when he found out that the rest of the casting office was there he clammed up and didn't say a word for the rest of the evening. Finally, after a walk in silence back toward his apartment, I asked what was wrong.

"I felt ambushed."

Huh?

"I didn't realize that the casting office was going to be there and this isn't how I wanted to meet them, or be introduced to them."

"I told you it was the first preview and we were all going."

"I felt ambushed."

"Uhm. Ok. Sorry."

I got quiet. Instead of speaking up and defending myself and questioning his odd behavior, I swallowed my voice as I had done so many times in the past. I deserve this. I'm lucky someone will take me as I am.

Another night, I took him to see Alanis Morissette at Roseland. I was very excited for this concert. Alanis has gotten me through some pretty tough times. I ran up to the Actor's apartment after work. We were going to grab a quick bite and then go to the show. I buzzed his bell and got no answer. Weird. Is he late again? I thought. Not even home yet? I sighed and leaned on the front door of the building and it opened. Oh. Cool. I won't have to wait out here in the cold. So I treck up the flights of narrow stairs to his apartment.

The Actor shares a 3 bedroom apartment with two girls. It's a railroad and his apartment is at the front of the building and has his own entrance. I forgo the front door and knock on his bedroom door. No answer. I go back to the front door and knock, no answer. I try the knob and it's open. So I walk in. I hear that he's in the shower and I think, Oh. He's running late so he left the door open for me.

I sit on their ratty, dirty couch and turn on the Simpsons. And I wait. Finally, he pokes his head out the bathroom door, "Hello?"

"Hey. It's me. The door was open so I just came in."

Silence.

"So I'm just watching the Simpsons."

Silence. He comes out of the bathroom, in his towel. Storms across the tiny kitchen directly into the tiny living room, grabs the remote control, turns off the tv, storms through his roommates bedroom and into his room.

Ok.

"Is there a problem?" I ask.

"I feel like you ambushed me. How could you just let yourself into my apartment? How could you just make yourself at home and think that was all ok? Can't I get a little bit of privacy. I wanted to come home, chill out, take a shower and get ready to see you. I didn't expect you to be sitting in my living room when I got out of the shower. You totally ambushed me, JV. I feel ambushed."

I feebly mumble something about the doors being open and thinking that he did that for me so I could wait and I look at the floor the entire time.

"Well you ambushed me."

"I'm sorry."

I go back to the living room and put the tv on. He dresses and meets me out there. We walk in silence to a diner on 52nd and 8th. We eat in silence. We go to Roseland in silence. MY biggest beef about Roseland is that you have to stand. But I'll do anything for Alanis. The concert starts and we've still said very little. And I'm so mad at myself. Mad at myself for making one mistake after another. Mad at myself for being a bad person. Mad at myself for not knowing my boundaries. Mad at myself for these limits that other people have placed on me.

My anger lifts as the concert goes on. Ironically, the Actor touches me, puts his arms around me during Uninvited:

Must be strangely exciting
To watch the stoic squirm
Must be somewhat heartening
To watch shepard meet shepard
But you're not allowed
You're uninvited
An unfortunate slight

Like any uncharted territory
I must seem greatly intriguing
You speak of my love like
You have experienced like mine before
But this is not allowed
You're uninvited
An unfortunate slight

I don't think you unworthy
I need a moment to deliberate

At the end of the song, I pulled away from him. I think, my first active sign of defiance in the months we had been "dating."

I was high after the concert but certainly not on the Actor. We walked back to his apartment in silence. My silence being incredibly active and aggressive this time. I was angry.

"Are you coming up?" he asks as we stand outside in the cold.

"No" I say, simply.

"Yeah, I didn't think so."

Silence.

"So we'll talk tomorrow?" He asks, hopefully.

"Yeah. Sure." I say and I walk away from him and up to 57th Street.

There was so much inside of me at the time that was coming alive. So many things that had ben germinating for years had finally taken root and were beginning to grow, sprout and expand. But there was also so much I couldn't see. I couldn't see where I was. While things were taking root in my, I still was not firmly planted anywhere.

I was uninvited in my own life.