The Middle of the End

The very next day I get an email from Handsome Man. Short and to the point, what could he possibly say to one who has asked to get in touch with him besides 'Hi and my name is ____'?

I emailed back, immediately, cause that's they way I am. I apologize for my shyness the night before and then explained I didn't stick around to talk because I had had too much to drink and didn't want to embarrass myself even more than I do when I'm sober. And, would he like to go out some time for dinner or a drink?

The holidays were quickly approaching (it was December 22nd) and I was looking to make something happen sooner rather than later, cause that's they way I am. Alas, he was around for the holidays but I was going to my parents for a few days. We made a lunch plan for the week between Christmas and New Year's, which was perfect because I had to work anyway. So it was.

I saw the Actor once more. We made plans to see Brokeback Mountain together. I had seen it once but was up for a second viewing so we picked a Saturday night in the East Village. I love the movie theatre on 3rd Ave and 11th Street. In college, Daria and I lived in the dorm across the street and would spend afternoons hopping from one flick to another. I think one day we managed three for the price of one. We sat through one of the Addams Family movies with a lesbian couple furiously making out in front of us. They would bend each other backwards over the arms of the seats, come up and run theirs hands over each other's faces and through each other's hair and then go over in the other direction. I still enjoyed the movie.

Brokeback had only recently opened and it was going to be crowded. The Actor and I made plans to meet half an hour before the film started. We had, at this point, had numerous discussions about his lateness. One in which he finally said "Arent' I worth waiting for?" to which I replied, "I'm worth showing up on time for." He called, of course, to say he was running late because he had been hanging out with his straight friend he had a crush on, no doubt singing Barbershop Quartet on a street corner somewhere. I was pissed. I went in and found seats and waited for him to call. The catch was, the movie was showing in the basement theatre and I didn't get service. So I had to leave our seats every few minutes to check for messages. I had to tell about 20 people that the seat next to me was taken. 15 minutes after the movie started, he arrived. I left my seat. I asked the too kind people sitting next to me to please hold the seats. I went up two escalators, icily handed him his ticket, turned and went downstairs. He followed. He tried to take my hand during the movie but I was having none of it.

After the movie I told him I had plans to meet another friend, I said goodnight and walked away.

The Actor, realizing I was setting up (no, established) my distance, was in non-stop contact. Calling and leaving messages. Emailing. IMing. I was playing it cool. I didn't want to make a scene. I didn't want to talk about it. I kind of just didn't want to have any contact with him ever again. I knew I had to do something because it was just too mean not to but I wasn't ready. Christmas came and went and the Actor went...somewhere, but I didn't feel the need to call and wish him a happy holiday. He called me. I put the call through to voicemail. After Christmas he called again listing numerous New Year's Eve plans we could partake in. His voice sounded beyond desperate in his last message to the extent he even said something like, 'Please, please call me back. I'd like to talk to you." Like any actor, he was in fear of rejection. Like any man, he wanted the person who no longer wanted him.

I heaved a deep sigh and picked up my phone. I put the dog on my lap to provide some comfort and I hit redial. He had just called about 3 minutes ago so I was certain I was going to get him. The phone rang. And it rang again and again. And again. Typical. Voicemail. Thank god. I winced at the sound of his voice and at the beep left my message. "Hey, Actor. JUst got your message, thought I'd get you. Listen, I think I'm just going to spend a quiet New Year's Even by myself. I don't really feel like being around bunches of people I don't know...or anyone at all, for that matter. So thanks for the offers and have a good time and I'll talk to you later." Five minutes later he called back. I put it through to voicemail.

After six months or more with him I didn't feel like I owed him anything because he had never given anything to me. This is how it would end. Even if things didn't work out with Handsome Man, there was something else out there for me, somewhere. You get back what you give and the Actor gave nothing but took everything.

The first date with Handsome Man was here. It was a Wednesday afternoon. The air was cool and crisp and to avoid the matinee crowds we met at Viceroy in Chelsea. I took a long time deciding what to wear. I was nervous. What if I forgot what he looked like? What if he wasn't as good looking as I thought he was? What if...? I needn't have worried. Everything was perfect. He was dressed in a plaid shirt, carpenter jeans and work boots. His smile disarmed me. His light blue eyes lit up when he smiled and his broken nose was the most charming feature of his face. He lived in Brooklyn. He had left his job at a corporate company to pursue his own renovation and construction company. He was from Utah. He had been raised a Mormon but left that behind long ago. An hour and half flew by. We finally started walking down the street to the subway. He was going to see Memoirs of a Geisha. I told him how, years ago, I had worked with the director of that movie in two shows. He said he needed to stop at American Apparel to get a sweater. I said I'd hop the E on 23rd and go back to work. We shared a brief hug and kiss on the corner and we both glanced back after we said goodbye.

He had asked me what my New Year's Eve plans were. I told him the same thing I had told the Actor. I was going to stay home by myself. I had directed a play once called Other People in which the main character said you should spend your New Year's Eve the way you wanted the rest of your year to go. So if you wanted to get organized, you went through your files. If you wanted to clean the slate, you stayed home and cleaned. I wanted to find some space within myself. I wanted to write. I wanted to breathe. I had spent way too many New Year's Eves forcing myself to have fun, drinking too much and being miserable. No more.

The Handsome Man, heretofore to be known as 'The Mormon' was scheduled to go on a retreat with the Gay Radical Fairies or something like that. But he asked me if I wanted to go out again when he came back. I said, Yes.