The End of the End

As things progressed with the Mormon, the situation with the Actor would drift in and out of my thoughts. I left it hanging and we hadn't spoken. My one last effort to reach out had been to invite him home with me for Christmas because he wasn't going home and said he didn't know what he was doing. I invited him out of pity. I didn't really want him to come and I was relieved when he said 'no'.

Months later, I received an email from him. He told me he had run into friends of mine. They had talked about me. His grandmother had died and he had to go home and be the "rock", the "patriarch" for the family. I'm sure he played it like a martyr.
The email was supposed to illicit some kind of sympathy from me. It ended with this:

"I thought sometimes about calling you and then thought
better of it. I wonder what you're up to and if we'll
be friends. I wonder if you're closer to your ranch
style home in Texas with two dogs. I've thought about
Ripley. I care about you and I believe this much time
has passed between contact with one another out of
love for one thing and fear of another. I respect that
we have not spoken since Christmas. I trust you are
well. It would be nice to hear from you."

Sympathy was not what he got. He got the full brunt of me instead:

"Actor--

I'm sorry about your grandmother. I know how it is.

I know that I disappeared and although I tried not to it was all I
could do at the time.
I too have thought about getting in touch with you but I didn't really
know what...how to talk about what happened and my perception of the
situation without coming across as mean.
I don't think that we can be friends. In retrospect, I don't think
that we were friends. When I had sufficient distance from our
relationship -- if that's what it was -- I was so angry at myself for
what I went through and put myself through. I felt manipulted by you
both physically and emotionally. It seems to me that you want to
control the way people perceive you to such a point that ultimately
they don't know anything about you. You want to be needed and loved
but when I required that from you at times and admitted I was needy
all you could say was, "I'm glad you can see it."

Your physical distance was also another way of keeping intimacy at
bay. In three months the only time we kissed was our first night
together. And you kept thanking me for my "patience" as if finally,
one day you would bestow this amazing gift of yourself upon me. I got
tired of waiting. I feel like I tried consistently to open up to you
and let myself be vulnerable but, alas, against a brick wall. And I
would get angry and frustrated and then breathe and try again. Only
to be met with the same response. So I ran out of patience. I also
met someone who was emotionally and physically available. Who was not
trying to manipulate my perception of him or his own perception of
himself. And as scary as intimacy is, I would rather risk getting
hurt and reaping the rewards of a loving relationship than fear I'm
going to be alone for the rest of my life. If I get hurt, I will
recover.

Again, this is my perception of things and you probably see things
differently. But I discovered how disrespected I felt by the
situation and how stupid I was for feeling that I somehow deserved it.
Or that it would get better. And when I realized that you keep your
friends at the same distance, I realized it wouldn't get any better
for me. Especially since you can't seem to accept your sexuality and
let it be a part of you wherever you are. I don't understand how you
can study improv and not be out there. I'm not saying your sexuality
rules or defines your personality but it certainly influences/affects
it.

Your addiction to internet porn is, I learned, another sign of your
fear of intimacy. You can imagine whatever you want in those
scenarios. Everything is safe because it's not real. But I want
real. I want sloppy, ugly, honest, ecstatic, disappointing and
beautiful reality.

All of this has been on my mind for the 5 months I haven't seen or
spoken to you. And it weighed me down because, mostly, I felt I owed
it to myself as much as you.

So I don't think we should try to be friends. I don't think we should
stay in touch. I do wish you the best because I think underneath the
facade you try to present there is a vulnerable, talented person with
something to offer both to himself and the world. But I don't have it
in me to see it through."

I am needy. Terribly so. But I think most people are and should be. We have needs and we want them met.

I had forgotten about his addiction to internet porn. A problem that plagues us nowadays with our easy access to naked images online which we respond to, mistakenly, as intimacy. Unfortunately, intimacy and internet porn were problems that would plague me, once again, with the Mormon. But more on that when I get there.