Gay Target #1

One evening, my freshman year at NYU, two friends of mine and I decided to go see a production of A Midsummer Night's Dream presented by the Ridiculous Theatre Company. I can't imagine what motivated this. I've never been the biggest Shakespeare fan. In fact, my favorite Shakespeare production remains Gorilla Rep's production of Midsummer that took place in Washington Square Park. I would go by almost every night at some point to see where they were. All the performers wore white. The show started at dusk. Each scene would take place at a different location in the park so the audience ran along with the actors from the dog run to the skateboarding mounds, etc...It was great fun and really well-performed, directed and acted. When it was finally dark, the actors not performing would pull out flashlights to light the scenes in progress.

But I digress.

This particular night, we were off to Ridiculous. We went to the box office to pick up our tickets at some theatre that I believe was located at the infamous Christopher Street triangle. I don't think it exists anymore but I could be wrong. We had time to kill and ended up at a little restaurant on West 4th called Bagel Grill, or some such.

The Bagel Grill was a long, narrow space with seats and tables on the right as you walked in and a counter and open kitchen on your left. The front was made up entirely of glass; glass door and large, glass picture window. My two friends and I took the very last table on the right. My back was to the wall, directly facing the front door. We ordered, duh, bagel sandwiches and waited as the place began to fill up.

I was deep in conversation with my two friends, both women, when I glanced over to the front door. There stood a very large, very fat, bespectacled African American man. He was probably in his 30 or 40s and he was licking the glass. I should rephrase that. He was making love to the glass. Bending over, he would start about 2 feet down and then lick his way all the way up to standing. Then he would repeat this. I looked away. And then looked back. And then I looked away. And then looked back. He wasn't stopping.

I had to alert my friends to his presence and an uncontrollable bout of giggling began. By this time, most everyone in the restaurant had noticed the strange behavior. The waitress brought our drinks and disappeared before we could say anything. After a few more moments of licking, the door opened and the Licker entered the restaurant. A hush fell over the place. I'm not kidding. I've very rarely been in a situation where a hush falls upon the room, but this was one.

The man, being very large, started to make his way across the room. People had to push their chairs in to let him continue on his journey. My eyes were securely fastened to the coke in front of me. The man finally came to a stop, of course, next to me.

"I was doing that for you, you know." He said in a voice so deep I felt it in my chest.

I looked up helplessly at my friends but there were intently studying the drinks in front of them. Girls. Useless.

"Uhm, thanks." I mumbled.

"Well..." And there it hung in the air, followed by more silence.

I looked up and all eyes were on me. Why was the waitress not coming over to help? Why wasn't someone coming over to DO something? I reached over and grabbed one of the girl's hands and said, "I'm with someone" so unconvincingly it might as well have been uttered by Chloe Sevigny in any movie.

He looked from me to my friend, a frown on his face. He looked back at me and licked his lips. He licked his lips.

I looked back down and held my breath. Finally he began to walk away, causing the same commotion as last time. Everyone who had pushed his chair away from the table to get a view of the proceedings had to push themselves back in to let him pass. The Licker stopped about halfway through, turned back to me and at the top of his voice yelled, "I WAS OFFERING YOU FREE SEX, YOU KNOW!"

How does anyone respond to that? I just nodded my head staring at him like a deer in headlights.

He left the restaurant but not without a final lick.

Did he really think I'd want his tongue anywhere on me after licking the outside of a dirty plate glass window?

Then he walked away.

Our bagels arrived and I had, unsurprisingly, lost my appetite.

I don't remember much else about the evening. I remember being terrified to leave the restaurant for fear that the Licker would be waiting among the crown to pounce on me and carry me away and lick me to death. I sent the girls out first to case the street but there was no sign of him.

This island is inhabited by crazy people.